Not my thing

Disclaimer: If you are currently a breast feeder, or have ever been a breast feeder, and loved it...please just stop reading right now.  My intention is not to make anyone mad...

Breastfeeding is just not my thing.  I know that God created certain parts of our bodies for certain functions.  I realize that the natural and healthy thing is to breastfeed your child.  I know that all the stuff in that stuff is good for your baby.  I know that studies prove that your child will be healthier and smarter than mine.  And it is still not my thing.  I hated breastfeeding and every single thing about it.

I'm the frugal bugle (Jay made that up, haha).  When we were preparing to have Madolyn, we decided that, of course, I would be breastfeeding because it's better for the baby, better for mama to lose the weight, it was convenient (yeah, right) and it was FREE...which I love.  I even used my fair money that year to buy the Cadillac model breastpump.  I was so ready for this...not.

I won't get into too many gory details, but I struggled from the start.  I had already made up my mind that I would be pumping almost exclusively.  I was not comfortable feeding the baby out and in front of people and I was not about to let others lose out on feeding the baby (i.e. you can feed baby anytime anywhere, daddio, grandmas, friends, family).  I would pump and store the goods.  It was rough to say the least.  After we had been home about two days, Jay made an emergency run to Vincennes Wal-Mart (thank God for 24-hour Super Wal-Marts at that time) for some formula.  I didn't have a can of formula on hand, big mistake.  We were convinced that I was starving our daughter.

Turns out I sort of was.  My body didn't cooperate as it should - now, there's a shocker.  The breast-feeding Nazi (aka lactation specialist) actually made a house-call.  Yikes.  You talk about pressure...I wish someone would tell those BFNs that they need to lighten up on the mothers who aren't so into the natural thing because maybe they're more worried about being a new mother and that maybe it isn't so natural for everyone!  (There is a reason somewhere down the line formula was invented.)  It was a total nightmare...but I forged ahead for seven very long weeks because I wanted my daughter to be healthy and smart and I liked saving the money.  Yes, I could do this...it's natural and women all over the world do this.  I can do it...and the BFN said I had to.

Except I absolutely hated it with every fiber of my being.  It didn't get to the point that I was depressed or unhappy or resenting Madolyn or anything, but I absolutely dreaded the whole process.  I went back to work after six weeks and decided I would dry up.  It could not continue while I was working full-time...there was just NO way I was going to pump at work...nope, not happening.  Again, quite a learning experience for this first-time mom.  Cold turkey may be the way to go for some, but it was not the smart choice for me.

Someone suggested cabbage leaves...so I bought cabbage and put the large leaves inside my bra.  Apparently they are supposed to soothe the achiness and draw out the...whatever.  I remember that I could barely raise my arms my chest hurt so stinkin' bad...My first week back was a jury trial too...it was a very painful experience, but fortunately there wasn't any hand raising involved.  And again, thank you, God, for sports bras that suck the life out of you.

I survived.  Eventually, I dried up.  But the scars remain forever (ha, I had to say that!).  Forward ahead to the birth of our son.  I decided to try it again for at least the six weeks I was at home with him.  Again, same plan with the pumping (except there were cans of formula on hand).  One issue not thought of...the reaction of my very strong-willed three-and-a-half-year-old daughter.  She didn't care for it anymore than I did.  Constantly she would ask me what I was doing and why.  It upset her.  It upset me.  It was terrible.

Finally, one very early morning I was sitting in the rocking chair feeding Lane and I decided I had had enough.  He had been born on Monday, it was Saturday, I was done.  The feelings that washed over me are hard to explain, but it was like a huge relief was lifted from my shoulders at that moment.  Jay was fine with it.  He never pressured me to do it anyway.  I just felt like if I didn't try with Lane, I would be a bad mother.  How could I give one the good stuff and not give it to the other?  I tried.  It wasn't worth it for me.  I know that sounds terrible.

When one of my friends had her baby, I told her that if she had questions with the breastfeeding thing, just to ask.  I would try very hard to help her.  She ended up hating it too.  We decided that from then on, we would just tell others (if asked) if you want to know how great it is, call this person.  If you want to hear how awful it is, call us.

The good news:  My kids were very healthy babies and still are.  They're pretty smart too.  I'm sure there is truth to the studies about breastmilk being best for babies, but my kids turned out okay...so did I...I was 100% formula fed 36.5 yrs ago.  I'm not opposed to or against breastfeeding at all.  If you are into it, enjoy it, believe it is what you need to do, kudos to you.  It was just not my thing.